Robbed of Personal Power - Beyond Your Story

I talk a lot about your story up until now and how you should not let it define you.

We all have had people in our past who have taken away our personal power. It might have been parents, kids at school that made fun of us or people who have abused us in some way.

In the words of The Bloggess, depression lies!

 I've been right in all these places. I've been told I was fat, even though I was beautiful. There was a man who told me that he loved me, then choked me until I blacked out. There was a man who, when he saw me walking around the college campus without him, told me that I was fat and that he was embarrassed to call me his girlfriend to his coworkers. Girls, so insecure with themselves while in my presence, that they systematically tore at my self esteem over years until by age 17, I didn't think that I was worthy of even drawing breath, anymore.

A picture of me at 17 - suicidal and believing I was horribly fat, ugly
and not worthy of drawing breath, anymore.

There are so many things that float around in our heads from these situations in our lives. They come back to us as we are driving down the road. They replay to us as phantasms behind our closed eyelids in the shower or before we drift off to sleep. These are horrible stories that we repeat in our heads and they hold us back in our lives.

"Oh, I can't do that because my family was . . . "

"I don't deserve to be happy because I'm too fat, too intimidating with my intelligence, too ugly, too . . . " any number of things.

All of these things that you tell yourself in your head, no matter who told you that? They were wrong.

A conversation my local grocery store with a cashier led me to make the statement, "I don't know why people are so mean to each other."

In my younger years, I was (to borrow a phrase from TRAPT) "a little piece of heaven raising hell." I was beautiful. With a dancers' build and modeling contracts, I still didn't think I was worth a damn. And because I let my past define me, I was angry. So angry. I watched this TED talk, recently, and I really know how this woman felt.

For years, I was so hurt. It started with my heart being broken by a good friend / high school romance and it built from there. But I never really allowed myself to feel the pain from that betrayal. I didn't see the outside influences on him. His parents, etc. Only my own pain.

I still had to go to school. I still had to care about getting good grades and getting into college. I had to pretend to care about so many things when, really, all I could think about was the fact that I felt I had lost the one and only person who had understood me and that I was alone in the world, again. I couldn't feel that pain or honor it.

Parents and well-meaning peers told me to "get over it," so I hid it. I "sucked it up" and it became tighter and smaller and it morphed in my heart into a black ball of anger that followed me. Situations and years came and went and my anger just knotted in upon itself and I raged.

I raged! And the more I raged, the more I found to be mad at - righteously (I thought). Patriarchy, sexism, racism, genocide, cruelty, the Native holocaust. Ani DiFranco sang "I'm not angry, anymore," and I screamed back at her. "Fuck you, Ani. I'm still angry!" Hundreds of personal and cultural and worldly slights to be mad at until I spun myself out of anger in exhaustion some time in my late 20's - right around the time Hubby and I started dating.


During my period of rage, I pulled back from any vulnerability. My anger made me strong. It made me goal driven. It gave me scholarships and grants and awards and accolades far beyond my schooling and years. It gave me fire and it gave me drive. It made me hard.

When I did form relationships, I was so terrified of being hurt again, I kept everyone at bay. Even those that knew me for years only had an illusion of intimacy. Two year relationships only scratched the surface of "knowing who Bri was." I couldn't be authentic because of my fear, so I sought out other broken, hurt and furious souls, like me. There was no way that these relationships were going to last, but at least the two of us could find comfort in someone who was just as broken as the other was, for a time. And if my partner was broken, too, they wouldn't judge me for my damaged self.

I'm not quite sure what has changed me. Maybe it was Hubby or age. Maybe becoming a mama has softened my edges. Maybe moving back to my hometown has made little Native me want to "bury the hatchet." Maybe picking my art back up, being in therapy, admitting to being in pain, finally getting medical attention, and regular writing are all contributing to my change of heart and mind.

Or maybe it's because I'm 32 and I'm finally ready to start growing into the woman that I'm meant to be in this life, ready to step up and be the creative, the medicine person, the healer that I was always been meant to be. And you will know me, now, by the way I dance with the fire and the wolves.

There could be a hundred different reasons that I'm not the same person, anymore. But I like who I am, now. And I like who I'm becoming. I like that I am content, most days, though I still do have the yearning to grow, to explore, to learn and to create.

I used to be hard, like a scalpel. I find myself, now, becoming soft. My arms, my belly, my eyes, hair, skin and smile. All soft. And I'm okay with this. I'm reclaiming my personal power. I am strong. I've moved beyond my story and am writing a new one.

And, the one thing I want to tell you, my readers, about all of this. I am not special. I'm just one girl, out here, in the middle of the corn fields of Indiana. Trust me. If I, with all my faults and foibles can move from a place of hurt and anger to a place of peace and calm joy, you can too. There is nothing special about what I've done. All it takes is the effort to try.

You, my readers. You are my pack. So, if your heart is aching. If your spirit is downtrodden. If you're angry or alone or misunderstood or feel like you're forgotten - know one thing. There's one soul, out here, who's been exactly where you are and has come through it to a better place. There is hope. There is a way. And you can find it!

Oh my lovelies, I hope this entry finds your heart in a place of joy. If it doesn't, I hope that joy finds you soon.

And please remember that we are all visionaries. We just have to figure out where we excel.

Love to All My Relations,

-Bri

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The Best Advice I've Ever Given

A few years ago, I went into a gas station in my hometown to buy cigarettes. The cashier was a friend of mine and he knew about my inspirational writing and the kind of "out of the norm" life I live. Outside the gas station sat a girl, all knees and elbows, around 15 years of age.

My friend said to me, "Would you sit and talk with her a bit? She's getting disheartened about her life." So I said, "Sure," and I went outside to talk to this girl.

I sat on the bench across from her, outside this run-down gas station and as I looked across the table, I saw myself looking back at me. Large brown eyes that shone both hope and despair. Long brown hair, brushed but not styled. And I thought back to myself at her age.

Given all the years and experiences that separated the 15-year-old Bri and the 27-year-old Bri, what would I say to my past self, if I was given the opportunity? In the humid August evening, I spread out my long cotton skirt. I sat and talked to this girl who could have been me.

"This is the best advice I can think of to give you," I said. I took a long drag of my cigarette and exhaled it for dramatic emphasis. "I want you to go out into the world and fuck up."

This young girl's mouth dropped open. That was exactly the reaction I was looking for. I knew, at that moment, she was hearing me. I knew that I had just cut through all the walls that all 15-year-old girls put up between themselves and adults. With those two final little words, I had her.

"Let me explain," I said. "The best thing that can happen to you is for you to finish high school and go on to college. From there, I want you to go out and explore this world. I want you to talk to people that you think you have nothing in common with. Become friends with them. Go out and have adventures. Make mistakes. Make HUGE mistakes. Inconvenience everyone around you - friends, family, lovers. Because through your mistakes and your fuck-ups, you'll learn not only who you are, but who and what you really want to be."

I talked to this girl for almost two hours. I told her stories of my life. I listened to stories of hers. In the end, she went her way and I went mine. I haven't seen her, again.

But my advice stands. And it's the best advice I can give to anyone, really. Everything transformative that I've ever experienced and every great story that I recount at dinner parties? They often started out as really bad decisions.

"Hey! I'm going to hop into a car with 6 people I barely know and go camping 1,900 miles away. There'll be about 30,000 other people around in a state park - none of which have showered in 2 weeks. There won't be any toilets or cell phone reception, but I'm gonna come back with a puppy!"

"Hey! I'm going to go and dress up in Medieval garb. At 11:00 pm, somewhere in Pennsylvania with myself dressed like a hippy and my friend dressed like a Catholic priest, we're going to go get carryout beer from the only bar we can find. It happens to be a biker bar and the guy who's staying with the car? He'll be crocheting a scarf in the back seat!"

"Hey! I'm going to strap myself to a guy I don't know and jump out of a perfectly good airplane at 13,000 feet with nothing between myself and death but a thin sheet of nylon!"

See? Bad decisions.

But each and every one not only turned out for the best, but gave me an experience and memories I'll carry, forever. Essentially, each horrible decision and each fuck-up, they made me who I am, today. I am grateful for each and every time I made a mistake, each time that I stepped outside my comfort zone and each time that I said, "Well . . . why not?" Each time, adventure happened. And each time, I learned a little bit more about who I was, as a person.

During our daily routine, we get stuck. We begin to think that who we are during our routine life is who we really are, at our core. This is almost never the case.

Camping with 30,000 other people, I learned that I am not alone in my strangeness and that there are many different ways of existing in the world. Walking into a biker bar dressed in crazy costumes? I learned that I can be adaptive in awkward situations. Jumping out of a plane? I learned that I am strong, confidant, brave and that I can FLY!

And that's the truth. So I urge you all to take risks and make some bad decisions. I encourage you to fuck-up and fail and flounder and be confused. Stretch and do something you've never done before.

My comfort zone expanding as of late? I auditioned for a movie (which I didn't get), and I'm competing in a landscape art competition this weekend. I've never done A) an art competition or B) landscape painting, so I'm really psyched to be pushing my art envelope in this new way.

What are you doing to push your comfort zone? What do you find when you're outside of it? Let me know. I'd love to hear your stories!

Until next time, remember that every single one of us are visionaries. We just have to figure out where we excel.

Love to All,

-Bri


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Daylight: Meeting Your Own Death

All of us, every single one, will die. It's not pleasant to think about and we mostly avoid thinking about it. But sometimes, during the course of living your normal life, death comes a little nearer than you'd like. Maybe you've lost a loved one. Maybe, like me, you've had strokes and chronic illnesses that shut down your body. Or maybe you passed a very bad wreck on the highway and thought, "There, but for the grace of Spirit, go I."

Today, I heard a wonderful song by Maroon 5. (I get the best ideas for posts either driving in the car or in the shower!) I know it's meant to be about a relationship, but I saw the song as an extended metaphor. Take a listen.

The chorus goes as follows:

And when the daylight comes I'll have to go

But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close

Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own

But tonight I need to hold you so close

This got me thinking. When we die, it is said that move towards the light. No one can accompany us. No friends or family can hold our hands. Death's Door is one we must walk through, alone.

I got a small notion of this when I had my daughter. Even though Hubby, my father and numerous friends were there to support me, ultimately, I was the only one who could bring The Precious Pookie into this world. The Door of Motherhood was one I had to walk through alone.

I like to think that I'd meet Death the same way I met Motherhood. Calm and resolute, with my head held high. I'd like to think that I would not need any help in navigating the Bardo. I'd like to think that I would move past this world and its cycles and on to whatever great adventures lie beyond this plane.

Thinking about death, in general, can be a great subject for art. What kind of impact do you want to leave this world as your legacy? Think of what creations you want to be remembered for, after you're gone and work on them now, while you still have time.

'Cause babies, when that Door of Death opens and you can see daylight, brighter than you've ever known? It's time to go. You will pass into the light, alone. So, now, embrace your art. Embrace your creative dreams. And, above all, embrace all that you want to remember from this plane. Every person and situation that made you the beautiful soul you are, today - hold them close.

My fellow visionaries, it's now that I embrace you and all this plane has to offer - all of its inconsistencies and beauties and intricacies. All the way out and down to its limits. While I am still incarnated here, I will continue to love every single particle and experience and embrace them all.

I hope you enjoyed this post and please remember, my lovelies, that we are all visionaries. We just have to figure out where we excel.

Love to All My Relations,

-Bri


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Divine Decluttering

Living out your creative dreams isn't all glitz and glamor. This week, I rolled up my sleeves and got some organizing done around the house. I'm not really a big one for cleaning - I can always find something "better" to do with my time (like researching various aspects of creative business). But this week, I felt the need to organize, tidy up, and make my life more efficient.

Whenever I complete a project, I make sure to document it. Whether it's on a Pinterest board or in my 2013 Calender and Workbook. I find that going back and seeing what I've accomplished helps remind me, on my bad Lupus days, that I do get things done. It may just take me a little longer than most people.

Pinterest is a site that I just love! It's tons of helpful hints, hair advice, fashion inspiration and artistic input that I know what to do with. I can't rave highly enough about this site, so come follow me!

Seriously, these two resources have done more for me, my business and my creative journey than ever before.

What did I do this week? I'm glad you asked! I went through my clothes and cleaned them out. If you want to have more coming in, let some stuff go. Then, after I had weeded out everything I was going to get rid of, I reorganized what was left. My armoire has so much room in it, now! It's all about how you fold. Check this out!

I love divine decluttering. Even the smallest act of cleaning can be a sacred, spiritual and creative act. All it takes is the intent. I am happy about my decluttering and don't see it as a "chore" because I'm making room in my life for all the wonderful things that are on their way to me.

I love it when I find some tip to make my life run efficiently, don't you? What other tips for efficiency in life have you come across? Which ones do you use? I'd love to hear your tips and tricks! How do you divinely declutter your life?


Remember, my lovelies, we are all visionaries. We just have to figure out where we excel.

Love to All,

-Bri

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Forgiving Dr. Mengele: An Inspirational Story

Today, I watched the wonderful 2002 documentary, Forgiving Dr. Mengele.

A quick history: Dr. Mengele was a doctor in the notorious Auschwitz concentration camp in Nazi Germany. Eva Mozes Kor and her sister, Miriam, were children that survived Dr. Mengele's experiments on twin children. The documentary focuses on Eva and her journey in mentally processing what happened to her in Auschwitz, forgiving the perpetrators of the crimes against her and the effects that her forgiveness has had on other survivors and the world, at large.

The documentary is, as of this writing, available for viewing on Netflix streaming.

Of all the documentaries I've watched, I deem this one to be the most profound and important. 

None of us comes through this life unscathed. As a victim of rape, violence and abuse, I have come through much in this life. Others have come through much worse.

We come through unloving parents, teasing and ostracizing by our peers, rape, violence, abusive relationships, gaslighting, poverty, racism, sexism and intolerance. But, no matter what we have come through, for the most part, none of it comes close to the horrors and pain that Eva, her sister and all the survivors of the Holocaust came through.

I found this documentary inspiring. Eva and her twin sister, Miriam, survived atrocities and pain that most of us could never even dream of experiencing. Even after the death of her sister (which was a direct result of Dr. Mengele's experiments), Eva still manages to look past the pain and toward a brighter horizon.

This horizon is one that few of us could imagine getting to after such an ordeal. Eva's horizon is the forgiving of her tormentors and the building of hope for a better and more understanding future.

This begs the question, for me, "If Eva can forgive something so great, why can't we all forgive the things in our lives that seem so small by comparison?"

I would have thought there would be support for Eva for such courageous acts - even going so far as to visit the house of a Nazi doctor who worked in Auschwitz in order to gain some clarity and closure. But it seems that this is not the case. Arguments fly of "Who are we to forgive them? We are not God!" and "If I forgive, I would be dishonoring the memory of my family who died." to "We demand acts of atonement for what was done to us!"

I can not say that I would blame those who are still hurting over their experiences. Maybe, if I were in their shoes, I would feel the same way, hard pressed to let the past go. But Eva's response is simple and pure. "Getting even has never healed a single person."

Eva is not about forgetting. And, in fact, world should never forget the horrors that happened, lest we lose the lesson found therein and allow something like the Holocaust to happen, again. "I don't want to be a victim all my life, " says Eva. "That is why I forgive."

And Eva is right. Our forgiveness does not change the nature of the acts committed against us as wrong. It doesn't even matter if the people who hurt us deserve to be forgiven. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves, our own hearts, our own spirits. We have things we want to do and people (hopefully free from pain) that we want to be. We forgive because we want to move on.

What was done to Eva, her sister and millions of others was wrong. Nothing will change that fact. But holding on to the pain, to the trauma, to the hatred of the perpetrators does nothing for the healing of the wounds in the human soul. Everyone is entitled to feel whatever they wish regarding this issue, to forgive or not. All I am saying is that Eva and her perspective inspire me.

Eva inspires me to think that, if she can forgive such a huge encroachment on her being, why can we all not forgive the little (by comparison) violations in our own lives. Eva and her story give me hope for a more forgiving world.


And I come to find out that Eva and I live in the same state. How amazing and cool is that?!? Maybe, one day soon, I'll get to meet with her and thank her for all the work she's done.

Me? I've forgiven most of those who have harmed me. As I said in my first vlog, amnesty is granted to all. (And please, make no mistake, there is a big difference between forgiving people and allowing them back into your life so they can hurt you, again.) I do not want to live out my days in fear, in pain, in keeping the negative things in my life in the forefront of my brain. I prefer hope, joy, reason, compassion, empathy and oneness.

Until next time, my lovelies. Please remember that we are all visionaries.We just have to figure out where we excel.

Go to Episode 2

Love to All,


-Bri


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Willing to Be Wrong

Sir Ken Robinson, author, TED speaker and advocate for creatives, told a story of a six year-old girl in school.

The girl was sitting in the back of the classroom drawing when the teacher walked back to her and asked “What are you drawing?” “I’m drawing a picture of God," she said. The teacher laughed said, “But nobody knows what God looks like.” And the little girl said “They will in a minute.”

With this tale, Sir Robinson is explaining to us that children aren’t afraid to take chances. If they don’t know something, they’ll risk failing or being wrong. Creativity, in and of itself, isn’t about being wrong, but to quote Sir Robinson: “If you’re not prepared to be wrong, you’ll never come up with anything original.”

Children who are still okay with being wrong are the most creative, you can see it by giving them crayons or blocks or paint. Without having much knowledge of the world, kids pour their creativity out in the form of play.

What can we big people learn from this?

My children have always been my best teachers. Through my time with my daughter, Pookie, I've reclaimed the joy of banging on pots with a wooden spoon and I've picked up blocks to build towers with.

Most often, we use our knowledge and life experiences to draw from in creating. Robert Epstein says, “Creativity, in short, is not something mystical; it’s an extension of what you already know. To be more specific, new behaviors (or ideas) emerge as old behaviors interact.”

 I used my art and writing as therapy for a long time. I processed my life experiences and let it all flow down onto the paper because I was denied access to actual therapy for various reasons.

Was everything that came out good? Oh, hell no! But Jack Smith said it best, "You have to be willing to be bad for 20 years in order to be great and, even then, there is no guarantee."

In my younger years, my writing was trite and shallow, but I did have moments of insight and profound wordsmithing. I did have art that was well-received enough to get me a solo gallery showing during my first semester of art school. I was okay with being horrible. I was okay with working for years without success, even though success did come. In this way, I was able to find my authentic voice and deepen my artistic vision. These things only come with time.

But what is the secret to being creative?

Steve Jobs, before his death, explained that “creativity is just connecting things.”

It’s a promoted idea that the best ideas flow from what we already know, like the river that originates from one spring. But what if we don’t know very much? What if we've never been creative in our life, yet have that deep urge to paint or sew or dance or act?

My advice is to watch children. What do children do if they don’t know something? They think about it and give it a whirl. They try. And they try without huge clouds of doubt and fear above their head.

If you go into a kindergarten classroom and ask, "Who can draw me a air plane?" Every single child raises their hand. Somewhere along the line, we are taught that not everyone can draw. Not everyone can write. Not everyone can run well or catch a ball. So, we sit on the sidelines while the star athlete catches the ball. We read and read and read, but never pick up the pen to write our own story.

I've never figured out why or how this process happens. All I know is that, somewhere, we learn that if you do something badly, you shouldn't do it at all. We're taught that making a mistake leads to mocking, to torment and to ostracism. It opens us up to hurtful criticism and social pitfalls. We think that being wrong makes us look like a newbie (which we often are at new things, but no one wants to be called that).

In Buddhism, they talk about approaching things with a beginner's mind. That means a fresh perspective. To approach something as if you've never done it before. From this mindset, new ideas emerge and innovations are spawned.

If you wanted to make yourself an outfit, but had no idea about what society says you should wear, how would you dress? I think fashion designers (especially the couture ones) think like this a lot. And it's awesome! It's new and exciting and spins our eyes and our thoughts in a whole new way.

My lovelies, this weekend, I want to encourage you to risk being wrong. I want you to do something you think you're bad at and try to be okay with it. If you're not "the best" at something, it's okay! It just means that you're learning and that is a very precious time.

My beautiful souls, I believe that we can release all these negative ideas about ourselves. So what if I can't shoot a three-pointer in basketball if my life depended on it. So what if, when I try to draw a shoe, it kinda looks like a space craft? Who says that there can't be a race of little alien toe people who just love flying around in their loafer-ship?

Mischievous toe-alien

Reach, my darlings. Stretch! Go beyond what you think you can do and be willing to be bad at it. It's only through being "bad" that we learn how to do the best that we can. No one expects you to come into this life, rip roaring and ready to paint The Sistine Chapel at 8 months old. We've all got to work at it and that's completely okay.


And please remember, my precious loves, we are all visionaries. We just have to figure out where we excel.

Until next time, love to all.

-Bri


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Levitate - Can You?

I found this video last week and I was amazed. Before I go on, I'll let you watch it.

The song is by a band named Hadouken and is called "Levitate." The lyrics are as follows:

Heart in my mouth, but my head in the clouds yeah
I can feel it rising
Bound to the Earth but, we could ascend yeah
I’m realizing
I feel both feet lift off the ground
I can levitate
With every truth that leaves I close my eyes
And levitate


Oh, my darlings. Where to start? Every time I see videos like this of my fellow humans reaching for the sky, I am inspired. Every time I hear a song that alludes to Universal Truth, I feel so grateful to be alive.

My dears, each of us can aspire to be the highest and best versions of ourselves possible. We can take up the mantle of our Spirit-given gifts and run with them. We can use them every day in this world to lift each other up, inspire each other, help each other.

The truth of it is that we can work together, if we can put all of our efforts into making this world beautiful and whole, we CAN levitate. We can raise each other up, higher and higher. By working together, can banish poverty and sickness and the hurt that lies in the hearts of our neighbors.

I may be an idealist. I may speak of something that is beyond what we think the people of this world are capable of doing, but I have hope. Even if it doesn't happen until I'm long, long dead, I believe that we can turn our lives around and shine forward our best faces for The Universe to see.

Be amazed, my lovelies. Be in awe. Be humbled by this world and all the people in it and give thanks that you are alive to see such wonders. The Babylonians couldn't even conceive of a thing like the internet, where we can talk to anyone, anywhere in the world at pretty much any time we desire. That we, through technology, have access to all the collective knowledge that man has amassed. How cool of a thought is that?

And we take it for granted.

I believe, dears, that we can levitate. More than levitate, I believe that we can fly past what we've ever thought possible. I think it's only a matter of time before every soul, everywhere sees it. I'm just the visionary.

For a long time in this life, I was angry. Sure, I was happy and sad and in awe, but beneath all those emotions at the core of me was anger. And I was angry at everything. I was angry with sexism and classism and racism and homophobia. I was angry that I had a traumatic childhood. I was angry that people around me teased me and found me to be "less than" them. I was angry that I'd been hurt and I was angry because, in my mind, I secretly felt that I deserved every single crap thing that happened to me . . .

I know. It's tough to admit. . .

I am different, now. Now, my underlying emotion is one of joy. Sure, I get sad and I get mad, but my "default setting," now, is joy. But my anger made me fierce. In my younger years, my anger galvanized me into someone who could look past all of the negative and see through to the light.

And, now, I can turn back and show everyone the path. Through my words and art, I can tell my story and illustrate to you that, if I've walked the path of coming through all the worlds' negativity, you can too. No matter your story, you can step beyond it into a life of pure, unbridled, down-to-the-tip-of-your-toes happy.

Right now, I'm levitating. But I can't do it alone. In order to truly fly, I need other to come to where I am. We all need each other. We are communal organisms. We thrive best, together.

I'm so happy that you are all coming with me on this journey of life. I feel blessed to be able to write to you.

Until next time, please remember that we are all visionaries. We just have to figure out where we excel.

Love to All,


-Bri


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In a Bad Funk

Today, I'm in a funk. My body doesn't feel right. My head isn't clear. In general, things suck.

Even I have days like this.

I'm in the grocery store at 10 o'clock at night, staring into the frozen food cases. My shoulders are slouched. My hair is pulled back in a low ponytail. I don't have on any socks or makeup and I'm wearing pajama pants. Through the frost-coated glass doors, I'm trying to figure out what flavor of ice cream contains the secret to getting my happy back.

I know this won't work, but everything else I've tried has failed.

It's snowing out. There are clouds from horizon to horizon, so there's no sun to bathe in. When I get home, I know that hubby and the kids have bathed, so sitting down in the shower and letting hot water run over me? Not going to happen.

Cookie Dough? Pistachio? Strawberry? Super-Fudgy-Chunk?

I stare at the rainbow of little pint containers. Finally, I select one I haven't tried before. "Maybe it's just that I've not tried ALL the flavors, yet," I think to myself.

Again, I know this isn't true, but I'm grasping at straws.

As I'm walking to the checkout line, it hits me. Potato chips. I want salt. I bypass the checkout line and stroll down the aisle with different colored mylar bags just winking at me in the florescent light. "Why do stores keep putting florescent lights in? Don't they know that it just makes people feel worse?" I think.

I select a bag of popcorn instead of the chips and I think, "These are healthier . . . I think." The bag is black and I remember how a cashier once, about 4 months ago, who told me that she didn't feel any smarter after eating the bag of corn, despite what the company who made it was called. Some cynical remark about the cashier's intelligence that I don't mean skitters across my brain like a beetle.

Then a song so depressing comes on the PA that it feels like the world is just conspiring with my funk to keep my shoulders slouched.

 
At home, I sit with a spoon, watching some comedian's special on my television for the 20th time. I know the jokes. I'm not laughing, anymore. But, somehow, the familiar voice cadence of a routine that I know by heart makes me less agitated. I love the lilts of the comedian's voice. I love the little laughs and sidetracks that happen in the moment.

I spoon the ice cream in my mouth. Then, when I'm done, I mute the television. I pull out my laptop and I write, "Today, I'm in a funk."

I can't change the fact that I'm in this strange funk that nothing seems to be able to penetrate, so I try to do something with it. I put it down on the page. In words or art, I put it down. I try to get it out of me so that it doesn't stay and wreck the next couple of days.

I think back to what may be the root of my malaise. Is it the fact that there hasn't been sun in a couple of days 'cause it's winter in Indiana? Did I do too much at that television interview and now, with my Lupus, I'm paying the price for it? Did I miscalculate my spoons? Did the nightmares that I woke screaming from cause me not to get enough good sleep, again?

It's pointless to try and figure it out. It may be one, all, or none of those reasons and knowing doesn't help me, at all. So I write. And I write. And I write some more. I pour it out on the page.

That's what I do when things are crap and nothing seems to make them better. I watch television. I eat ice cream. I take my pills and I type on my computer. I read books. I play with Pookie while sitting in bed. Maybe it's just my body trying to tell me that I need this cave time - that I need to hunker down and just not be as many things to people as I usually am. Or maybe this is just another one of those things that come with having Lupus.

So I try to get by with my ice cream and comedy specials. And maybe tomorrow I'll feel better. Maybe tomorrow the clouds will break and the wind will quit blowing stinging snow in my face and I can get out and take a walk. Maybe I'll go into a store and not hear depressing songs in minor chords. And maybe there could be Alfredo for dinner. Tomorrow. All tomorrow.

Today, it's time to be honest. It's time to write. Today, there's the truth of everything and the power of being authentic - of not pretending that everything is okay.

Today, I'm in a bad funk and I can't figure a way out.

What the World Needs Now. . .

I think almost everyone has heard it. And, according to the 1965 popular song sung by Jackie DeShannon, what the world needs now is love - sweet love.

What can I say, my lovelies? I disagree. I think the world needs more than that.

In the world today, where war rages, race and religion divide us, spiritual and political ideologies make us think that our neighbors are our enemies, what could this world need more than love, you ask?

In my opinion, the world needs YOU, my darling.

That's right. The world needs you!

Alive, blessed, fully-present. This world needs people who can see, can speak, can dance, can march, can invent new and better ways of being.

This world needs you. Every single person who reads these words. It needs your great ideas, the love from your tender heart, your strong arms that hold your children, your determined feet that carry you through this life, your beautiful voice that sings songs of triumph, joy, and sadness.

You do not have to be more than you are. You do not have to do more than you already do. You are seen by this Universe, you are known, you are beautiful and you are loved. And, most of all, you are not alone and you are so vastly important.

Don't think so? Allow me to convince you.

Take a moment and think about all the great leaders that have come from this world. Jesus, Mohammed, Buddha, Martin Luther King Jr., Ghandi, Mother Theresa, Einstein. These names and people are our legacy as the human race. These are the shining examples of us as a human family.

I used to watch "Def Poetry Jam" and I loved the poets on it. Some beautiful quotes that ring through me come from here. "Don't let the universe regret you." "Be worthy of your ancestors."

As humans, all a part of this species, all of the names I mentioned above? They are our ancestors. What a beautiful legacy to try to live up to, no?

And think about those people, how each had teachers and food preparers and trash collectors. Every single one of these people had a vast support network of people around them. And those people may not have had any clue as to the part they were playing in human history!

Who made the pencils that Einstein wrote with? Who wove the blankets Mother Theresa used to comfort children? Who made the paper that held Martin Luther King, Jr.'s famous speech? Who was Marie Curie's teacher? All of these unnamed people, by just doing what they did, helped and supported these wonderful icons of love, of freedom, of kindness and discovery.

So, no. I don't think that all the world needs is love. I think it needs more than that. I think this world needs every single person, doing what they do with love in their heart. You never know who you may be supporting.

A girl comes through your shop line and is 3 cents short for ice cream? You give her the 3 cents and, later in her life, she goes on to become an EMT who saves lives on a daily basis.

A boy receives a building block set for Christmas from a stranger? He goes on to become the next Frank Lloyd Wright.

Oh, my dears, never think that you are of no use to this world! Never think that you're alone, unseen or under-appreciated. We visionaries, we are out here. We see what you do and we say prayers for your safekeeping and strength at the end of every day.

Om Nama Shivaya

The bracelet I wear on my left wrist

To the hands that sewed the beautifully comfy, maroon pants I'm wearing now, thank you! To the heart that composed the song I'm listening to on my IPod, thank you! To the arms that harvested the rice for my Chex this morning, a million thank you's! To the legs that walked the fields and produced the coffee in my cup, there is no amount of gratitude that is adequate enough for you!

Just by going about our lives and doing what we do, and maybe doing it with kindness, we enable such wonderful leaders to rise. We enable Virginia Woolfe to write. We enable Alex Grey to paint. We allow Betty Friedan to march.

And what a beautiful thing to be a part of, this life that we have been given. No matter the circumstances.

So my dears, I am Visionary Bri. And I am telling you that what the world needs now is you, dear soul. Just you.

And please remember that we are all visionaries. We just have to figure out where we excel.

Love to All,


-Bri


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How to Begin

Someone commented a couple of weeks ago, wondering how I center, myself to begin creating. This commenter said that they wasted their first 10-15 minutes just trying to figure out how to begin. I'd like to answer this commenter, now, because I think we all struggle with this from time to time.

Dear Anonymous Commenter,

I understand what you're saying. My process tends to be a bit erratic. I don't sit down every day at the same time and write. I know writers and other creatives that have that kind of a process, but it doesn't work for me. I will tell you about "how" I go about writing and I'll give you some suggestions that may help you. Take from this what speaks to you and leave what doesn't. All of us face this issue, at times, and we all have our little quirky ways of trying to deal with it. Do what feels right for you.

First, my process for creating anything starts with an idea - as all things do. I know writers that sit down at the page or artists that stand in front of the paper and don't know what's going to come out. That's okay, if that's you, but it's not me. So, I start with an idea and I come up with things to write about all the time. I keep a list of them in the back of my sketchbook so, if on a particular day I know I should write, I just select one that speaks to me at that time and go.

How do I center to begin? Well, first of all, my enviornment is very important for me. We all have our preferences. I need to be able to be in a place where I can have laser-like focus, then back off and give myself a "brain break." I like to write in a local bar, for this reason. I can sit in a booth and have my reference materials scattered around me while I focus and sip coffee, or I can go to the bar and have a friendly conversation. Then, back to the task at hand.

If I'm unable to be at the bar I prefer, I write sitting in my bed. Now I know that all the sleep experts say not to do anything in bed but sleep, but that' s never worked for me. My bed is soft, it's comfy, my back is supported and I can have something on Netflix in the background for noise.

Now, for timing. I find myself to be almost completely 100% unable to create in the daytime. No matter the project, when the sun is up, I just can't bring myself to focus on it. I like creating at night. I like that all things become possible in the dark and the shadows, that things become more intimate in the dark. I feel like I can hear my inner creative voice better when the glaring light of day is done. This normally means that I don't get to sleep until 2 - 4 am, but it's the schedule that I work best on.

As far as the actual doing goes, like I said, I have an idea in my head so I've already got some idea where I'm going to go. What I hear when you say that you "don't know where to begin" is that you're afraid you're going to begin "wrong." And let me tell you something - that's what editing is for. That's what proofreading is for. Please let go of that fear of being wrong. Just jump in. Writing begins with just one sentence. A piece of artwork begins with just one sketched line. There's nothing in the RULES OF WRITING (which we're all afraid of breaking) that says those first little attempts have to appear in the finished product.

When I was 15, I took an amazing weekend writing retreat with the absolutely incredible Pat Schneider. (I recommend every single one of her books, so get them all! They're one of the best resources out there.) Pat introduced me to timed writing, encouraged all of us to just get our hand moving, to break through the fear of doing it "wrong" and just be ourselves on the page. She encouraged us just to show up, to tell our truth and to let that be. At first, it was scary. I looked around the room at all the other people who were so much older than me. They were just scribbling away. Finally, I just took a deep breath and wrote, "I don't know how to do this. I'm afraid that all the other people in here are Shakespeare and I'm just some stupid kid babbling on the page." I was honest. I stayed with my first thoughts (the ones before the fear, the most honest ones) and wrote them down. Eventually, the fear fell away because I realized that even Shakespeare didn't get it write the first time. Iambic pentameter doesn't flow from our mouths or thoughts naturally. Even the greats have to work at their craft. Also check out the books by Natalie Goldberg and Julia Cameron. Very great ladies!

 Sometimes, when I have something deeply personal and intense that I want to write about, I picture a friend in my mind. At the top of the page, I write "Dear (Whoever I'm Writing To)." Sometimes it helps me to pretend that I'm telling this story to a close friend because if you can sit and tell your close friends a story and have them saying, "Really? What happened then?" it means that you're a writer. That's all writing is. It's telling a story.

Imagine that you've got a good friend or someone you love sitting in front of you. You want to tell them this story, you want to give them a message. Don't worry about "passive or active voice." Don't worry about punctuation, about spelling or grammar. Just get your thoughts on the page. Just be honest and make sure they person that you're picturing is someone that loves you, that cares about you and that fundamentally approves of everything you do. If you don't have someone like that in your life, pick someone famous or from history that you think could understand you.

When I'm writing, sometimes I write to Changing Woman, White Buffalo Calf Pipe Woman, The Magdalene or Tori Amos. If I'm writing about something especially strange, in my head, I will talk to The Blogess. All these women, I think they would understand me. I think that we could be friends, if ever given the chance. Of course, some of these women may not even exist, but it doesn't matter to me. It works. Then, during the editing process, I go back and erase, "Dear Whomever." It allows my voice to flow out of me, to be sincere and it allows me writing to sound like I am actually speaking to you, my reader.

In short, don't let the fear of not doing something "correctly," get the better of you. Begin. Just begin. Jump into it, flounder around, do it poorly. It's okay. You can always go back, later, and erase a sentence or change a word or rework a line. At the beginning, nothing is set in stone. The most important thing is to get your thoughts out of your head and down onto the paper or into the file or whatever. If you don't, they will never ever be shared with the world and your unique perspective piece of human history will be lost forever. And what a terrible thing to lose.

My dear, no matter who you are and no matter where you are. Be brave! Be strong and allow yourself to mess up or be vulnerable. I believe in you and I hope this post helped.


Until next time my loves, please remember that we are all visionaries. We just have to figure out where we excel,


Love to All,


Bri


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What is a Visionary?

Merriam - Webster defines the word 'VISIONARY' like this:

noun

1

a : of the nature of a vision : illusory 

b : incapable of being realized or achieved : utopian <a visionary scheme> 

c : existing only in imagination : unreal
2

a : able or likely to see visions 

b : disposed to reverie or imagining : dreamy

3

: of, relating to, or characterized by visions or the power of vision

4

: having or marked by foresight and imagination <a visionary leader> <a visionary invention>

— vi·sion·ar·i·ness noun

Examples of VISIONARY

1. She is known as a visionary leader
2. He had a visionary experience.

But what is a visionary, really? And why have I been dubbed "Visionary Bri"?

The Center for Visionary Leadership says this:

"Visionary leaders are the builders of a new dawn, working with imagination, insight, and boldness. They present a challenge that calls forth the best in people and brings them together around a shared sense of purpose. They work with the power of intentionality and alignment with a higher purpose. Their eyes are on the horizon, not just on the near at hand. They are social innovators and change agents, seeing the big picture and thinking strategically.

There is a profound interconnectedness between the leader and the whole, and true visionary leaders serve the good of the whole. They recognize that there is some truth on both sides of most polarized issues in our society today. They search for solutions that transcend the usual adversarial approaches and address the causal level of problems. They find a higher synthesis of the best of both sides of an issue and address the systemic root causes of problems to create real breakthroughs."

In short, we visionaries are the dreamers of the future. We see not only what this would is, but what this would can become and we work tirelessly to make those two versions merge. We are revolutionaries, imagine-ers, followers of our gut and instinct. We guide others along to their true potential and create networks of like-minded people. With a visionary around, everyone benefits. We are the rally-points, the spearheads and the cavalry calls for new and innovative projects. Often, we feel compelled to be this way. It's a burning passion inside of us that doesn't rest for long. We dream, we create and we build because we feel that we are called to do so. Whether we make money or not, following our visions, it doesn't matter. It also doesn't matter if the world listens to us. We will keep true to our path and persevere.

But not only are we leaders, our type of leadership has its' own brand. We lead with integrity, with conviction and with an inner light that seems to shine through us. We do not stand for profits, for greed, for personal gain or for hate of any kind. What we stand for is a connectivity of all people, no matter their differences and we will not backstab others for our own gain. Visionaries are not corrupted by power - we are uplifted by it and use it well. Visionaries offer a clear picture of what is possible and we inspire others to believe that we, as a whole, can get there.

Visionaries are not about manipulating with fear, as some politicians or leaders are. Instead, we seek to empower the people around us. We seek to give them confidence and a sense of strength similar to our own. We understand that taking power away from someone only hurts the whole. We are in service to the betterment of the whole, of the entire human family.

In contrast to most leaders we see today, Visionaries do not tell people what to do. We don't push them towards things they aren't ready for and we don't dominate them. Each being has its own free will and that must not be taken away from them. Visionaries listen to those around them more than other leaders do. We are open to new ideas and perspectives that we may not have considered before.

Visionaries are receptive to change. When presented with a better method of doing something than the one we've thought of, we do not find that challenging or "insubordination." Instead, we find it to be enlightening. What a wonderful revelation!

Instead of being out for ourselves, we embody a sense of community. Other people, their knowledge and talents are our greatest assets. It is said that, "Everyone you meet knows something that you don't." We realize this and embrace it. We are willing to learn, to pull back and to refocus.

Even though we can see into the world of the future, we visionaries are interested in solutions that actually work. We don't just want things that look good on paper. We want the nuts and the bolts and the real world solutions to be reasonable and sustainable. Everything needs to be actionable and attainable in order for it to be considered a valid idea. The other side of that is that we see more things as attainable than most people do and we will happily guide others far beyond what they ever thought possible.

Again, The Center for Visionary Leadership says:

"When we see a truly visionary leader accomplishing great things, s/he is drawing on the resources of their soul and its remarkable capabilities. Each of us can access our inner resources to become a more effective leader in our own field. First we must be willing to take initiative and stand for something we believe in passionately. We must be ready to take the heat. Many of us avoid the responsibility of leadership primarily because we are too sensitive to criticism. But when we know who we truly are and we live from an inner core of values, criticism can be filtered to take in only what is true and helpful to our growth."

This reason is why I close almost every blog post with my motto: "We are all visionaries. We just have to figure out where we excel."

If a person can find where their passion lies, they will almost naturally become a visionary. Their eyes light up, their soul opens and they develop a very strong sense of values and of community, when this happens. Their potential has been unlocked.

I have been dubbed "Visionary Bri" because of all these qualities. Through the years, friends have told me that they exist in me. When I was searching for a name for this blog, I often Googled some of the qualities that others had described in me. Time after time, the word "visionary" came up. I took it as a sign and adopted the moniker.

I've seen some criticism regarding dubbing yourself a visionary. When I read this criticism, I often think that the person is doing an awful lot of judging. Everyone's path is different. If you want to call yourself "Llama Joe," feel free. No matter what we choose to be known as, it is merely a name. A name does, in fact, help us identify traits about a person, but they're just words. I respond just as readily to plain ol' "Bri" or even "Hey, you!" Honestly, criticism reveals more about the person writing it than what they are writing about. Through criticism, we can see what filters the critic views the world through. If he uses racial slurs, that's a filter. If there's sexual shaming, that's another filter. I don't pay too much heed to negative criticism. It doesn't change what I feel called to put out into the world.

In the culture that I came from, each person has at least 3 names in their lifetime. One for youth, one for adulthood and one for being an elder. Taking different names symbolizes the different lessons we learn in each phase of life. A new name may even come after a particularly significant spiritual event.

I have had many names in my life. I've been known by many monikers for many different situations. Each were me, at the time, and each was just a word that I answered to. They did not define me. This new name I have taken, I feel, is the one that keeps me on this path the best. I am a visionary. Criticism for using that word, myself, does not deter the deep soul-feeling of connection that says, "Yes. That is the word. That is the name. Live up to it!" 

See? I deeply feel that each of us can follow our dreams, find our purpose and live this life wrapped in bliss. I believe that every person on the face of the planet can have joy and love that goes all the way down to your tiptoes. You can be fed, you can be supported, you don't have to struggle and you can have big, roaring belly-laughs and true connection with others every single day.

This is my purpose. This is my calling. Every time someone calls me "Visionary," it reminds me of this goal and this calling. Every time I hear or read that word, I am called up out of the daily life. Up and above the details of car insurance and "I've gotta eat" and "Where are my meds" and "I just HAD my cell phone." That word calls me up, calls me out of myself and reminds me of the wise self that I have and am called to be. That one word, "visionary," makes me remember, "Yeah. Higher purpose. Calling. Wise self. Don't get mired down in the details of 'the car doesn't have enough gas to get there.'" Daily life happens and even I need reminders from time to time. Thus I am, am called, and I answer to "Visionary Bri."

What little tricks can you use to call yourself up and remind you that you are, in fact, an awesomely wise and creative soul? Will signs with affirmations around your house help? Will taking a new name to be called help? Leave me a comment or email me at brifloorwilson(at)gmail(dot)com. I'd love to hear from you!

Until next time, my precious ones, please remember that we are all (every single one of us) visionaries. We jut have to figure out where we excel.


Love to All,

-Bri


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Frogs in Tutus or Whatever's In Front of You

I'd like to share with you a big secret about living your dreams and building a great big, full, awesome creative life.

Ready?

Here it is . . .

It doesn't happen overnight.

I know! Shocking, right?

"Now, Bri," I can hear you saying. "I already knew that." I know that you already knew that, but that is just the point of this post, starting with what you know.

Believe it or not, something that simple is the way to start. Start with what you know. Do you want to write? Write about your life. Write about what's right in front of you. Write what you experience every day because only you are living your life and ONLY YOU are thinking your thoughts.

The most amazing thing about this common and best approach is this: you're not the only one. No matter what you're thinking, someone else has thought it before. But that's not bad. See? You're not alone. No matter what you've thought or you're experiencing, there's someone out there who is going through or has gone through the same thing. They can relate. That's what art is about.

Art and being creative is about communicating a message in your own way. And, once you put your message out there, a thousand people will resonate with it and a thousand people will think, "Oh my gosh! I'm not alone! I thought I was the only one who thought putting tutus on frogs was a cute idea." (Or whatever your idea happens to be.)

I just came up with that image in my head on the fly. I Googled it and look what I found:

See? Apparently someone liked that idea enough to make a stuffed frog in a tutu. No matter what you've come up with, there's someone who will agree with you and your projects that you put out there will resonate with them. It's a wonderful, splendifferous fact, my lovelies.

Take, for instance, being a mama. I'm a mama and I talk about it way too much, I'm sure. But my Precious Pookie is quite literally the best thing that's every happened to me and words cannot describe how much she lights up my heart. But children can be frustrating. That's okay. Take whatever you're frustrated, angry, annoyed, joyous, or excited about, take that experience and make something with it.

This week, I found this video that illustrates my point:

Dearies, none of us is alone in this world, but no one can tell your story for you. No one has your unique perspective, your particular spin on a topic. Only you have the power to tell your story and unveil your truth.

Still don't believe me? Look at this:

It's still a frog in a tutu, but it's vastly different from the first one. So get out there, my bright beautiful ones and tackle that project you've always dreamed of completing. You can do it! The frogs and I have faith in you.

And, until next time, please keep in mind that we are all visionaries. We just have to figure out where we excel.


Love to All,

-Bri



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